Who’s Winning?

I’m feeling incredibly sad, mourning the loss of a life partner, my husband of 14years. He was supposed to be with me until the finish line of life. We made plans, we watched elderly couples in love holding hands and wanted to be like them. But it was never to be. Vows have been broken, irrevocably severed. An invisible line was crossed…DON’T HURT OUR CHILDREN.

I was happily plodding along. Used to my life. Used to his starting arguements out of nowhere, used to him making me cry but holding back the tears not wanting him to see me cry because then he will have won. So many times I spent standing at the kitchen sink after he had jibed me about not paying a bill or not paying attention to something else HE needed trying not to cry, tilting my head up so that the tears rolled back into my eyes and not down my cheek. It was weak to cry or that’s how he made me feel. I’d then raise my voice an octave so that the children thought I was happy, hoping that they wouldn’t know how broken and sad I was on the inside. But my kids did know. They knew I was covering the pain. Just as a person who is physically assaulted in a relationship covers their bruises I covered the verbal abusive attacks.

Although I didn’t want to let him win I never won. I thought I did win by not letting him see me cry. But now looking back and getting a better understanding of how he operates he knew I wanted to cry. He knew I had to bottle it up. If I didn’t then he would laugh at me and perhaps ask “why are you crying I was only asking if you had paid a bill”. Then he’d get the kids in on it saying “look kids mum is crying again”. But I never would have guessed that my little ones would have seen through his tactics.

My eldest son was struggling with starting year 7 in secondary school. Having lots of fights and we were constantly having meetings with his head of year trying to figure out a way to get him out of this rut. Then one day he came home and said he felt that his dad is bullying him. He told me how his dad made him feel and I could totally identify with him. I knew exactly what he was talking about. This revelation blew my mind. All this time I thought I was shielding the kids but yet my husband was treating them the same as me. No way …no way …DON’T HURT OUR CHILDREN.

I had to get away, I had to leave, or maybe better yet he had to leave….

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Starting again

It does feel strange being in such a new environment. I feel like an alien in a distant land. Re-assuring the natives that I come in peace. It seems as though the women around here have all been friends for years. They have cemented their friendship roots and I can only sit on the sidelines longing for deep friendships of my own. I have decided to take my time because friendships grow they cannot be manufactured. Although in some respects  they can, depending on the individual. But I am going to wait. Wait to meet and attract like minded women. Women who I can be friends with because we share similar interests, not just because our kids get on.

When I first moved here I made the mistake of wanting to be any and everyone’s friend. Being over nice, smiling at everyone and getting brushed off and crooked smiles in return. So I pulled back a little or perhaps a lot! That’s when women came over to me and greeted me. We have now started a breakfast club for mums. It is such an amazing opportunity to sit and chat. We actually get to finish our conversations, and our time is up always to soon. This only leaves us looking forward to our next breakfast meeting.

I am really very fortunate to now have friendships that are going from tiny seeds to little leaves that are sprouting up out of the ground. I hope that one day they will be like huge oak trees spanning as wide as the eye can see, with roots that dig deep, deep down underground.

I will be back to let you know.