The trouble with relationships is that they have never been easy for me. I have always been interested in boys, from playing kiss chase in primary school, to having boyfriends in high school. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a virgin until I was at least 19 years old. My plan was to be in a relationship for at least 2 years and 19 years old, unfortunately though that wasn’t meant to be.
I had my first serious crush when I was 14 and the boy was 16. I really liked him, I remember the butterflies in my stomach every time he looked at me. He said he liked me too only I couldn’t be his girlfriend because I was 2 years younger than him. I was so upset, but he said he’d keep seeing me if I didn’t tell anyone. Well of course I took the deal! So I’d go to his house. I remember being in his room and I’d let him kiss me, touch my breasts but he could not undo the belt in my jeans, that area was totally off limits. He didn’t push it so it was cool. Until one day I went to his house after school. His mum wasn’t home so it was just us in the house. After a while we started kissing, we were sitting on a leather sofa in his living room, nothing unusual. I had my school skirt on and his hand started pulling it up, so I pushed his hand away, but he grabbed at it again, I pushed it away again and tried to get up. He began to try and pin me down with his body, he was getting rough and aggressive. He was struggling with him, struggling to keep my virginity. At one point I punched him and he fell off me, but this made him angrier and even more aggressive. He got back on top of me and just pushed himself inside me. He was inside me, I had lost. When he was finished he got up and cleaned himself up. I even remember him coming back in with a tissue or a cloth and wiped the settee where his sweat had left a mark. He had been sweating heavily. At least I know I didn’t make it easy for him.
But what lead me to write this tonight is I am starting a relationship with a man. The first since separating from my husband and I’ve been trying very hard not to like him too much too soon. Which has been difficult because every time we talk I like him more! We seem to have a lot in common, some big things but lots of really small things. We share a very similar belief system which doesn’t happen very often! But I’ve been holding back which means I’m not totally enjoying myself, which after everything I’ve been through doesn’t seem fair.
You see yesterday I told him I miss him. Simple enough. His reply was ‘well that can only be a good thing’! But I said ‘really’? Because it didn’t feel good, it felt more like dependency, more like a slippery slope to doom. But surely it is a good thing because it means he’s doing something right, it means things are going well, it means life’s good and the future’s bright. Unfortunately not to me. That’s what got me thinking, but I thought it was only to do with how Mr Abuser had seduced me. Mr Abuser lied to me from the very beginning, he lied about his name and his age. I just brushed it off but he didn’t even tell me his real name, it just so happened that one of his cousins came to visit him while I was at his flat and she was calling him a very different name to the one he had told me. So as soon as she left I asked him about it and he laughed it off and I could only accept his explanation. I never understood liars, I couldn’t believe that someone would set out to lie. The main reason I would lie is to deny I had done something. I would tell a lie to get myself out of trouble but I wouldn’t lie to trick and deceive someone. But I have been naive to think that all people are like me. His lies didn’t end there, looking back he lied constantly, he would lie to bosses at work, friends and family but ultimately to me mostly. Therefore I thought my trust issues were down to abuser’s constant lies but as it turned out it went further back, all the way back to when I was raped. My trust was broken then because I had a massive crush on a boy and he stole my virginity. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. Everything changed. I have forgiven the boy totally and completely. Forgiveness is a choice and I chose to forgive him. Personally I wouldn’t want to remain hurt and bitter but also forgiveness releases him to God for God to have His way. I am not a judge, I cannot judge his actions or what he did. Although I forgave him years ago the remnants are still affecting my character even now. But the best thing is now that this issue of trust has been identified and I can pray it through and ultimately receive my healing and trust again. Ultimately I will be able to enjoy good times without feeling like as something good happens then something bad is bound to happen! That would be good!