I’m finding it difficult to adjust to a life without him. Why do I miss him? I hate missing him, he has hurt me so deeply, can’t I just turn it off? It’s not that easy.
I may miss him but I will NOT call or text him. In the beginning I would find some reason or another to text him or better yet call. I thought just to hear his voice would be enough but as soon as we started to talking I knew it was a bad idea. The ‘witchcraft’ would begin. He would begin to work his magic in confusing me. Using words to wrap me up into the box he needed me to remain in. If anyone identifies please let me know. And if you can find a better way to put it into words then definitely let me know. All I know is that I have to go cold turkey, no contact. The kids speak to him and the phone is on loud speaker because I have to ensure that he isn’t saying anything inappropriate. I half listen but I tune out at the same time so has not to be hypnotised by the sound of his voice.
You see for me Mr abuser is a psychological bully. It’s all under the radar. I never know it’s happening or even how he is doing it, until it is done.I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I am a praying woman and I believe in Jesus, so I prayed to God and asked Him “if everything is OK then why am i like this”? Bit by bit Mr Abuser’s tactics began to become more visible. They were no longer hidden from me. Like why don’t I work? I want to work, I’ve been wanting to go back to work for years. When I tell him that he says “you can go back to work, I’m not stopping you”. When things became clearer I said it again and I got the same response, but then a couple days later he came down from up stairs and sat at the dinner table opposite me. I thought OK something is about to happen, and he said “so you want to go back to work do you? Just remember you have to take the kids to school and pick them up”. That’s it! That’s how he does it – he uses the children! ‘I’ have to pick the children up. It’s my job to look after the children. I already have a job. I sat there and just looked at him. I felt a bit sorry for him. He had worked himself up to tell me. I could see his insecurity, insecurity of me not needing him, insecurity of me making new friends, of me being in a place and environment he can’t control! I was finally seeing through him it was very empowering.
My children were all in school full time, I was a stay at home mum and a homemaker. I was only there for him. After I got back from the school run and the door shut that was it for me until he got home. He would get home form work anytime from 11am to 3pm. He would always ask me on the phone what things ‘we’ needed to do, then he’d tell me he’d be back soon. But he’d lie about how long he’d be so I’d be waiting for him to get back. We’d get on really well and I didn’t see anything wrong with it, until I realised that I very rarely went anywhere without him. Now I know that is hugely un-healthy. I developed a very warped view of the world and of myself in it. I watched far to much TV. TV became my escapism. You may not realise it but that is extremely damaging. Everyone is super skinny, tanned, primped and propped. How could I ever match up. I was gaining weight and I hated it, I hated myself for it.
Since being on my own I’m free to walk around, I love taking the bus and talking to strangers. The world is a beautiful place and people make it beautiful too. How boring would it be to our eyes if we were all the same shape with the same hair colour. I am happy with me whatever my shape or personality type. Putting dates in my diary for next week helps me too because then I know I have a future, there’s always something to look forward to!