Things are on the up and up. I have re-surfaced from a deep dark abyss. I wouldn’t say it was a pit of despair, more like the pit of grief. It wasn’t just that I had a dark cloud hovering over me, I was engulfed in darkness. Submerged in feelings of mourning, anguish, sorrow and gloom. I couldn’t think about anything other than what he had done to me, what a fool I was and how stupid I had been not to notice what he was doing. As things became clearer the worse I felt. Realising that he had done ‘that’ so he could achieve ‘that’. I’ll give you an example;
My abuser always demanded that I had a car. This was him providing for me. He didn’t want me to have to walk anywhere and he certainly didn’t want his children on the bus. I would do my best to tell him that I didn’t need a car, the children’s school was a 5 minute walk and I could walk to Tesco’s from our house and anywhere further I could get on a bus. He fervently insisted, he took a loan from his mum and bought an old car that constantly gave us trouble! But the day I asked him to leave guess what – he took the car! The car was in my name so I signed it over to him. Bearing in mind I could have phoned the police and reported it stolen! I was more than happy that he took the car I hadn’t wanted it in the first place. Since not having the car and having to take the bus a whole new world opened up to me. Then I realised this was what he was afraid of. He was afraid of me TALKING TO PEOPLE. Un-believable. I have had the most amazing chats with complete strangers, I get exercise naturally from walking and I don’t obsess about my body anymore because I don’t have a warped view of the world from watching TV all the time. People come in all shapes and sizes, just the way God created us! How boring would life be if we were all the same size or had the same hair and eye colour? I think it would be dreadful. So now I am going to concentrate on being the best version of me I can possibly be!
Now that I am out of the abyss I am so much happier. I am looking forward to the future. I counteract depressive thoughts with thoughts of hope and purpose. This new found hope comes from a passage from the Holy Bible I like to quote daily. It is chapter 29, verse 11 in the book of Jeremiah. it says; “For I know the plans and thoughts I have for you” says The Lord, “plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope”. These words helped me immensely, I often look to the Holy Bible for words of encouragement and I have found many that say I say to myself daily. I am now planning my future, asking myself ‘what does my life look like in 2 or 3 years’? Where do I want to be? How much will my life have changed after leaving my abuser?
I am no longer bothered by things I cannot change, like things that are in the past. How can I feel full of sorrow? I got away!!! No matter if he calls and finds fault with me about something I have said or done, or if he changes his plans to pick up our children at the last minute. I am in control, I will ensure our kids are happy, well fed and secure. I go to bed alone and wake up alone. I wake up alone at the moment and it’s totally up to me what I do with the day. But I will choose to happy. I have the power to decide what my future looks like. Will I be earning enough money to go on trips with the kids, visit old friends or make new ones? I will make the choice to forgive my abuser. Bitterness, resentment and un-forgiveness only gives you wrinkles, grey hair and can lead to arthritis and cancer. And I don’t want none of that!
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