Make Sense

I’m struggling to make sense of it all. Why, how, and what? But then at the same time I’m so over with it all.  Over loving him, over mothering him, and over caring about everything he does or needs. Why were his needs so important to me, yet my needs weren’t, to him or to me?

I JUST WANT TO BE OVER IT!

Over it – when will I be over it? What will being over it look like? Feeling less temperamental? Less mood swings? My moods are like a roller-coaster, one minute I’ll feel indestructible, on fire, absolute purpose driven then it’ll hit a curve and then dip. The dip crashes into a black hole with no way out, no air, no doors and no windows. Then a much needed phone call from a friend and a gentle nudge from the Holy Spirit into God’s word reminding me He is there for me, He is fighting for me.

Psalm 27 verses 1-3 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the strength of my life: Of whom shall I be afraid? When the wicked come against me to eat my flesh, my enemies and foes, they stumbled and fell. Though an army may encamp against me, my heart shall not fear. Though war may rise against me, in this I will be confident.

These words brought me great comfort tonight. When it seems that your enemy who is your abuser is taking your life, taking your very breath, eating of your flesh know that God is there to fight for you. He is your life’s strength.

 

 

 

 

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The Trouble With Relationships

The trouble with relationships is that they have never been easy for me. I have always been interested in boys, from playing kiss chase in primary school, to having boyfriends in high school. I knew from a young age that I wanted to be a virgin until I was at least 19 years old. My plan was to be in a relationship for at least 2 years and 19 years old, unfortunately though that wasn’t meant to be.

I had my first serious crush when I was 14 and the boy was 16. I really liked him, I remember the butterflies in my stomach every time he looked at me.  He said he liked me too only I couldn’t be his girlfriend because I was 2 years younger than him. I was so upset, but he said he’d keep seeing me if I didn’t tell anyone. Well of course I took the deal! So I’d go to his house. I remember being in his room and I’d let him kiss me, touch my breasts but he could not undo the belt in my jeans, that area was totally off limits. He didn’t push it so it was cool. Until one day I went to his house after school. His mum wasn’t home so it was just us in the house.  After a while we started kissing, we were sitting on a leather sofa in his living room, nothing unusual. I had my school skirt on and his hand started pulling it up, so I pushed his hand away, but he grabbed at it again, I pushed it away again and tried to get up. He began to try and pin me down with his body, he was getting rough and aggressive. He was struggling with him, struggling to keep my virginity. At one point I punched him and he fell off me, but this made him angrier and even more aggressive. He got back on top of me and just pushed himself inside me. He was inside me, I had lost. When he was finished he got up and cleaned himself up. I even remember him coming back in with a tissue or a cloth and wiped the settee where his sweat had left a mark. He had been sweating heavily. At least I know I didn’t make it easy for him.

 

But what lead me to write this tonight is I am starting a relationship with a man. The first since separating from my husband and I’ve been trying very hard not to like him too much too soon. Which has been difficult because every time we talk I like him more! We seem to have a lot in common, some big things but lots of really small things. We share a very similar belief system which doesn’t happen very often! But I’ve been holding back which means I’m not totally enjoying myself, which after everything I’ve been through doesn’t seem fair.

 

You see yesterday I told him I miss him. Simple enough. His reply was ‘well that can only be a good thing’! But I said ‘really’? Because it didn’t feel good, it felt more like dependency, more like a slippery slope to doom. But surely it is a good thing because it means he’s doing something right, it means things are going well, it means life’s good and the future’s bright. Unfortunately not to me. That’s what got me thinking, but I thought it was only to do with how Mr Abuser had seduced me. Mr Abuser lied to me from the very beginning, he lied about his name and his age. I just brushed it off but he didn’t even tell me his real name, it just so happened that one of his cousins came to visit him while I was at his flat and she was calling him a very different name to the one he had told me. So as soon as she left I asked him about it and he laughed it off and I could only accept his explanation. I never understood liars, I couldn’t believe that someone would set out to lie. The main reason I would lie is to deny I had done something. I would tell a lie to get myself out of trouble but I wouldn’t lie to trick and deceive someone. But I have been naive to think that all people are like me. His lies didn’t end there, looking back he lied constantly, he would lie to bosses at work, friends and family but ultimately to me mostly. Therefore I thought my trust issues were down to abuser’s constant lies but as it turned out it went further back, all the way back to when I was raped. My trust was broken then because I had a massive crush on a boy and he stole my virginity. It was the worst 20 minutes of my life. Everything changed. I have forgiven the boy totally and completely. Forgiveness is a choice and I chose to forgive him. Personally I wouldn’t want to remain hurt and bitter but also forgiveness releases him to God for God to have His way. I am not a judge, I cannot judge his actions or what he did. Although I forgave him years ago the remnants are still affecting my character even now. But the best thing is now that this issue of trust has been identified and I can pray it through and ultimately receive my healing and trust again. Ultimately I will be able to enjoy good times without feeling like as something good happens then something bad is bound to happen! That would be good!

Night and Day

I haven’t written for a while, I’ve just been dealing with the day to day stuff and continuing to come to terms with my new situation.

I have mentioned before that I am a praying woman and I can say that it is definitely helping. The other day I had a very difficult situation to handle. Since the split Mr Abuser and I couldn’t agree on how much he should pay in child maintenance. I wanted him to pay an amount that would mean that I wouldn’t have to ask him for anything. I hated the idea of having to phone him to tell him that the kids needed something. I’m going to write you and excerpt from my journal;

“It’s Friday night and a couple of days ago I agreed with Mr Abuser that I would accept his offer to pay £50 a week maintenance, plus he would contribute to the childrens needs as and when needed. Since I have agreed I realise my error. I asked him to contribute to the childrens uniform costs and his reply was that because I have already paid for them then he won’t contribute but he will contribute for anything moving forward. This sent me into melt down. WHY IS NOTHING SIMPLE OR STRAIGHT FORWARD????????? I will be withdrawing from the contract based on his lack of honesty, integrity and respect. Since agreeing to his terms there has been a marked improvement in his manners and respect towards me. He is very obviously much happier when he feels in control. It is my folly to have allowed him to take back control. But it is only a minor set back as I will swiftly assume control again. I am going to turn this mess around for my good.”

Ok so now the next day;

“It’s Saturday afternoon and after careful, prayerful consideration I can say that I am going to stick to the agreement that I made with Mr Abuser with regards to the financial assistance he will give me and the children. Thankfully I didn’t act on my impulses last night. Last night I was hurt and confused by his actions but today I am refreshed. It’s quite absurd in human terms really, because I was woken up out of my sleep at 4am and the thoughts began to rush through my mind, which then led me to be unable to get to sleep. But the grace and mercy of God is upon me. I got out of bed, I was crying, I tip toed out of my room that I share with my children and entered my living room. I cried to God. Which is different to just crying because I told God what hurt, I laid my pain out before Him. I searched for my journal because I felt an impulse to write in it. I had to search for it because I hadn’t written in it for weeks. Then I wrote, slightly rambled into my journal. By the time I had reached the bottom of the page I felt better, clearer in my head. and equipped to deal with the situation that had arose. Bearing in mind that at no time had I picked up the phone and called or messaged anyone! Un-canny really because with the in-justice I felt from the night before many names of friends ran through my mind for me to call, to rant at or ask for advice. But today is a new day! The word of God in the second part of verse 5 in Psalm chapter 30 says; weeping may last for the night but JOY comes with the morning. I can testify to that and it’s a wonderful concept because not only did I not pester anyone or burden them with my problems but when I finally woke up after a deep sleep once I had finally gone back to sleep, I woke  up with a solution to the problem. Which was to accept the financial help he was offering and make peace. There’s a bigger picture, which is to keep things as amicable as possible for as long as possible. My divorce papers are being drawn up at the moment and I really want him to sign them! That’s what is important. To top it off Mr Abuser and I actually had a conversation today, face to face and I wasn’t panicking and looking for the exits! Praise God! The peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard our hearts and minds through Christ Jesus; Philippians 4;7!”

I wanted to share that with you because it just shows how differently you act if you give yourself a chance to think clearly. Wait 24 hours before you commit to a decision. Seek wise counsel, run it over with friends. If I am honest my friends didn’t agree that I take the lesser amount Mr Abuser was offering me, they cried out at the in-justice of it, but it just didn’t sit right with me. I made my decision over a two week time span and now I am happy with my decision and I am at peace!

Support

I was writing in my journal this morning, when I noticed the date August 10th 2016. Wow time is moving so quickly! How I love my freedom! I know I am growing in confidence and self belief. Believing that I have a future and I can accomplish anything! I live in a great area where I can access plenty of professional support and I have support from friends. But having their support has meant talking to them about what I am going through. This might just be the first step to recovery. Letting people in and breaking the silence won’t be as bad as you might think. If you look around you and assess your friendships with an open mind then you should have at least one that you can speak openly and honestly with. If you don’t then I will post some useful contacts and the end of this post.

Thinking that the abuse will stop is wishful thinking, and that’s coming from me who was in it for 17 years.

Thinking that he doesn’t know how much he is hurting you is a lie that you tell yourself to make the situation OK so you can stay in it.

I was in a domestic violence conference at the weekend and I heard a speaker say “we are all appalled when we hear about terrorism on the news, so why do we allow it to happen in our homes”?

Definition of terrorism; 1) the use of violence and threats to intimidate or coerce (2) the state of fear and submission produced by terrorism.

Do you feel safe in your home? Are you free to say what you want? Free to express yourself? Free to come and go as you please? Are you able to see the friends you want to? Or are your friends hand picked by someone else? Can you work where you want to? Can you chase your dreams? Can you do a higher education course? If you answered no to any of those questions, then I’ll ask you “why not”? Who or what’s stopping you? Could it be threats of violence and coercion?

Definition of coercion; 1) use of force or intimidation to obtain compliance (2) force or the power to force in gaining compliance.

Synonyms of coercion; duress, intimidation, persuasion, bullying and menacing behaviour.

I am sharing my experience in this blog to show others that there is life after abuse. Many people are experiencing abuse of different forms everyday. We are not subjected to one type of abuse but usually it is several on a daily basis. If a stranger hit you wouldn’t you call the police? So why accept it from someone who loves you? If your partner has hit you then dial 999, the police are there to help you. They will believe you. Here in the UK professionals are being trained to know the signs of psychological, financial, and sexual abuse. These are just some of the types of abuse that don’t leave a physical mark. You will be believed. Whatever difficulties you come up against in the beginning when you first leave will be so worth it. It makes you stronger. How much better will you be when you get out from under the terrorist regime you are under right now? Good luck. Find your courage. Re-connect with the inner you, the you before he or she came along.

Useful contacts:

 

Disclaimer

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organisations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organisation, company, or individual.

All content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. The owner will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

Happy Without Him.

I’m finding it difficult to adjust to a life without him. Why do I miss him? I hate missing him, he has hurt me so deeply, can’t I just turn it off? It’s not that easy.

I may miss him but I will NOT call or text him. In the beginning I would find some reason or another to text him or better yet call. I thought just to hear his voice would be enough but as soon as we started to talking I knew it was a bad idea. The ‘witchcraft’ would begin. He would begin to work his magic in confusing me. Using words to wrap me up into the box he needed me to remain in. If anyone identifies please let me know. And if you can find a better way to put it into words then definitely let me know. All I know is that I have to go cold turkey, no contact. The kids speak to him and the phone is on loud speaker because I have to ensure that he isn’t saying anything inappropriate. I half listen but I tune out at the same time so has not to be hypnotised by the sound of his voice.

You see for me Mr abuser is a psychological bully. It’s all under the radar. I never know it’s happening or even how he is doing it, until it is done.I knew something wasn’t right but I couldn’t put my finger on it. I am a praying woman and I believe in Jesus, so I prayed to God and asked Him “if everything is OK then why am i like this”? Bit by bit Mr Abuser’s tactics began to become more visible. They were no longer hidden from me. Like why don’t I work? I want to work, I’ve been wanting to go back to work for years. When I tell him that he says “you can go back to work, I’m not stopping you”. When things became clearer I said it again and I got the same response, but then a couple days later he came down from up stairs and sat at the dinner table opposite me. I thought OK something is about to happen, and he said “so you want to go back to work do you? Just remember you have to take the kids to school and pick them up”. That’s it! That’s how he does it – he uses the children! ‘I’ have to pick the children up. It’s my job to look after the children. I already have a job. I sat there and just looked at him. I felt a bit sorry for him. He had worked himself up to tell me. I could see his insecurity, insecurity of me not needing him, insecurity of me making new friends, of me being in a place and environment he can’t control! I was finally seeing through him it was very empowering.

My children were all in school full time, I was a stay at home mum and a homemaker. I was only there for him. After I got back from the school run and the door shut that was it for me until he got home. He would get home form work anytime from 11am to 3pm. He would always ask me on the phone what things ‘we’ needed to do, then he’d tell me he’d be back soon. But he’d lie about how long he’d be so I’d be waiting for him to get back. We’d get on really well and I didn’t see anything wrong with it, until I realised that I very rarely went anywhere without him. Now I know that is hugely un-healthy. I developed a very warped view of the world and of myself in it. I watched far to much TV. TV became my escapism. You may not realise it but that is extremely damaging. Everyone is super skinny, tanned, primped and propped. How could I ever match up. I was gaining weight and I hated it, I hated myself for it.

Since being on my own I’m free to walk around, I love taking the bus and talking to strangers. The world is a beautiful place and people make it beautiful too. How boring would it be to our eyes if we were all the same shape with the same hair colour. I am happy with me whatever my shape or personality type. Putting dates in my diary for next week helps me too because then I know I have a future, there’s always something to look forward to!

Hope

Things are on the up and up. I have re-surfaced from a deep dark abyss. I wouldn’t say it was a pit of despair, more like the pit of grief. It wasn’t just that I had a dark cloud hovering over me, I was engulfed in darkness. Submerged in feelings of mourning, anguish, sorrow and gloom. I couldn’t think about anything other than what he had done to me, what a fool I was and how stupid I had been not to notice what he was doing. As things became clearer the worse I felt. Realising that he had done ‘that’ so he could achieve ‘that’. I’ll give you an example;

My abuser always demanded that I had a car. This was him providing for me. He didn’t want me to have to walk anywhere and he certainly didn’t want his children on the bus. I would do my best to tell him that I didn’t need a car, the children’s school was a 5 minute walk and I could walk to Tesco’s from our house and anywhere further I could get on a bus. He fervently insisted, he took a loan from his mum and bought an old car that constantly gave us trouble!  But the day I asked him to leave guess what – he took the car! The car was in my name so I signed it over to him. Bearing in mind I could have phoned the police and reported it stolen! I was more than happy that he took the car I hadn’t wanted it in the first place. Since not having the car and having to take the bus a whole new world opened up to me. Then I realised this was what he was afraid of. He was afraid of me TALKING TO PEOPLE. Un-believable. I have had the most amazing chats with complete strangers, I get exercise naturally from walking and I don’t obsess about my body anymore because I don’t have a warped view of the world from watching TV all the time. People come in all shapes and sizes, just the way God created us! How boring would life be if we were all the same size or had the same hair and eye colour? I think it would be dreadful. So now I am going to concentrate on being the best version of me I can possibly be!

Now that I am out of the abyss I am so much happier. I am looking forward to the future. I counteract depressive thoughts with thoughts of hope and purpose. This new found hope comes from a passage from the Holy Bible I like to quote daily. It is chapter 29, verse 11 in the book of Jeremiah. it says; “For I know the plans and thoughts I have for you” says The Lord, “plans for peace and well-being and not for disaster to give you a future and a hope”. These words helped me immensely, I often look  to the Holy Bible for words of encouragement and I have found many that say I say to myself daily. I am now planning my future, asking myself ‘what does my life look like in 2 or 3 years’? Where do I want to be? How much will my life have changed after leaving my abuser?

I am no longer bothered by things I cannot change, like things that are in the past. How can I feel full of sorrow? I got away!!! No matter if he calls and finds fault with me about something I have said or done, or if he changes his plans to pick up our children at the last minute. I am in control, I will ensure our kids are happy, well fed and secure.  I go to bed alone and wake up alone. I wake up alone at the moment and it’s totally up to me what I do with the day. But I will choose to happy. I have the power to decide what my future looks like. Will I be earning enough money to go on trips with the kids, visit old friends or make new ones? I will make the choice to forgive my abuser. Bitterness, resentment and un-forgiveness only gives you wrinkles, grey hair and can lead to arthritis and cancer. And I don’t want none of that!

Disclaimer

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organisations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organisation, company, or individual.

All content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. The owner will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.

Courage???

I would never have ever imagined that I could find the courage to tell him to leave. But I did. The whole process was awful, I didn’t know which way he was going to go. Angry or over soppy. I’m not sure if it was courage, I had just absolutely had enough. I was tired. Tired of explaining myself over and over again even though I had given him a very clear explanation THE FIRST TIME, tired of having to go to bed at the same time as him because he said he couldn’t sleep without me in the bed, oh so very tired of having him grab my bum with two hands really hard and roughly when he came home from work – I mean what’s wrong with a cuddle and a kiss and being asked how my day was?!

The day I did it the kids were playing in the garden. I walked straight upto him and told him I had had enough. He asked “enough of what”, and I replied ” this…us”. I watched as his expression changed many times as he was working out exactly what my words meant. “17 years” I said, “17 years and I cannot do another minute”. I held his gaze with mine. I didn’t flinch, I stood my ground…all be it I stood behind a chair! I made sure that there was a chair between us the whole time, as he moved nearer I subtly took a step back and found another chair. I had a handbag across my body with my keys and purse with a bit of money in. My phone was in my tracksuit bottoms pocket for easy access just in case I had to dial 999. But it never came to that. We also had the kids coming in asking for juice etc which helped to keep things “normal”.

It took a few hours before he actually left. At one point he asked me why don’t I go and leave him with the kids, it was me that wanted us to separate after all. My response to that was – what was he going to feed them chicken nuggets and chips every night? And how would he prepare the dinner and help them with there home work at the same time? That soon put a stop to that idea!

 

If you are unsure if you are with an abusive partner or you need to leave an abusive partner then please look up the local domestic violence support network for your area. I’m sure you’ll find lots of information to help you make an informed decision.

Disclaimer

This is a personal blog. Any views or opinions represented in this blog are personal and belong solely to the blog owner and do not represent those of people, institutions or organisations that the owner may or may not be associated with in professional or personal capacity, unless explicitly stated. Any views or opinions are not intended to malign any religion, ethnic group, club, organisation, company, or individual.

All content provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. The owner of this blog makes no representations as to the accuracy or completeness of any information on this site or found by following any link on this site. The owner will not be liable for any errors or omissions in this information nor for the availability of this information. The owner will not be liable for any losses, injuries, or damages from the display or use of this information.